Saturday, October 30, 2004

Comments on "Sickathon"

It's the morning after "Sickathon" and I am still feeling repulsed by the gross images which were presented to me last night. Most "memorable" would be the scene where the female lead tortured the male lead in the Japanese flick "Audition". Asami, a seemingly innocent 24 year old female, enjoyed herself piercing needles into her middle-aged admirer, Aoyama, followed by sawing off his left foot with a wire saw. The blood! The gore!

The most perverted thing about this scene is that Asami seemed that she was thoroughly enjoying herself, and that she was acting like the common stereotype of a cute Japanese girl. Never in my 21 years have I been so utterly cringing from head to toe. Moral of this story is to NEVER judge a book by its cover. She looks cute? Could be a mentally warped sadist!!

The other two films included in Sickathon were "Irreversible" and "Beneath my skin". The first film is well known enough by its own standards, being one of the rare works where the story is told from ending to beginning. Besides going against the usual way of story-telling, there is nothing much about the plot. It is basically simple. Woman gets brutally rape anally, gets hurt from abuse after the session, her man seeks revenge and ends up bashing the culprit down to the skull with a fire extinguisher. Simple. Nothing extremely sick about this one, except for the fact that the effects for the skull bashing was really good. Very realistic and bloody.

"Beneath my skin" is about a woman obsessed with her own skin after getting an accidental injury on her right calf. She started cutting herself and peeling off her skin, to the extent of ripping it off using her mouth, then preserved the skin. This is one reason with a very bad story line. Many events and the behavior of the female lead,Esther, were left unexplained. Why did she suddenly started to mutilate herself after the injury? Was it because she didn't know she was hurt until she saw the blood and thus, thought that she was weird by not being able to feel the pain? How is it that she can cut herself so extensively and not bleed to death? Why is it that she never got blood stains on her clothes even though she did not bandage her bleeding wounds? Nothing made sense in this film. It is a movie made purely with the intention to gross audiences out and did not actually have any story line to began with. Why anyone would sponsor a film like this is beyond my imagination. Maybe the sponsor was someone who loved to preserve his own skin too, no?

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Erred, yet forgiven.

Many times in our lives, we say and do things that we utterly regret later.
I, too, have done that countless times.
Yet, very often I have been forgiven by my friends and loved ones.

Last night, I admitted to my angel that I have erred yet again in life.
My incapability in telling lies had made me confess my sins.
I expected to receive some sort of punishment.
However, my darling just held me close and said that he loves me.
I was forgiven.

Is this what people mean by reverse psychology?
Forgive the sinner and to not hand out any form of punishment.
This makes the guilty feel even more so.
I know I did.
I have a conscience. It was pricking. Bad.
Yet he would not even raise his voice at me.
Was he playing reverse psychology?

As he spoke on, I realised that he really really loves me.
What I did hurt him, yet he was willing to forgive me.
With all his heart, mind and soul, he loves me.
From this point on, can I no longer believe that he does love me?
No, I cannot.
He does love me.

Believe me when I say that I will no longer be the sinner.
I want to strive to be an angel just like you.
Fallen angel, no less. =p

Once more in my blog, I shall say "I love you"!!!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Before the end comes...

Face the beach.
This is when you know how small you are as compared to the world.
Are we all expandable?
Sadly, yes.
However, if we get really really lucky,
there will always be those few people who will want us in their lives.
Our parents. Our very close friends. The one whom we love and loves us back.

Cherish your parents. They have been through a lot just to bring you up.
Treasure your friends who have been there through thick and thin with you.
Love the one who loves you.
Some never ever find a person worthy enough to love and who reciprocates their affections.
If you have, congratulations.
Persist if you must to fight for your rights to this relationship.
Only if you have fought hard then will you cherish the existence of it.

I have unfortunately given up my fighting spirit.
All that is left of me is an empty shell.
Cleaned out of its true emotions.
I can no longer cry. No longer smile and radiate true happiness.
Now I exist in the world just so that I can wait do my assigned duty.
What it may be, I have no idea.
It may be to help someone to mature.
It may be to help someone learn to love.
It may be anything that God has intended for me to achieve.
After that will I be allowed to join Him and my mum in heaven.
Away from the daily emotional baggage that I carry along with me.
I anticipate the arrival of this day.
Please, I pray, come quick.
This repeated cycle of self inflicted mental and physical torture is not something that I can withstand for long.

Monday, October 25, 2004

When do you know you are in love?

When you are together with that special someone, you pretend to ignore that person.
But when that special someone is not around, you might look around to find them.
At that moment, you are in love.

Although there is someone else who always makes you laugh,
your eyes and attention might go only to that special someone.
Then, you are in love.

Although that special someone was supposed to have called you long back,
to let you know of their safe arrival, your phone is quiet.
You are desperately waiting for the call!
At that moment, you are in love.

If you are much more excited for one short e-mail from that special someone than other many long e-mails,
you are in love..

When you find yourself as one who cannot erase all the messages in your answering machine because of one message from that special someone, you are in love.

When you get a couple of free movie tickets, you would not hesitate to think of that special someone.
Then, you are in love.

You keep telling yourself, "that special someone is just a friend",
but you realize that you can not avoid that person's special attraction.
At that moment, you are in love.

While you are reading this page, if someone appears in your mind, then u are in love with that person.

*Courtesy to Rashidah for posting this up in Friendster Bulletin Board*

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Poem for Nash

Now that we are officially together,
All that I have ever wanted has come true.
Seems like a lifetime since I’ve known you,
How you can read my mind.

Loving you is a duty I’ll gladly do,
Over time I hope I will get better too.
Valued are the affections that you shower me with.
Every single day I feel your love for me,
Slowly getting stronger and deeper.

Sometimes our ideas conflict,
However we always sort them out.
Ever since the 20th of September,
Love has made us meet everyday.
Let alone the fact that we are both busy and tired,
Yet we still make time for each other daily.

Time well spent I would say,
Over coffee and cigarettes we work side by side,
Occasionally sneaking kisses in between.

I do not know how long we can live in this bliss,
What I do know is that I love you,
And that you love me too.
Not afraid of sounding mushy,
To whoever happens to be reading this,
Three words are what I shall repeat.
Heaven brought you to me,
In the most unexpected way,
So that I can show you what love is.

Though at first you had your reservations,
One by one they were overpowered by my persistence.
Lanky lass with beauty and brains I am not,
At most I am just pleasant-looking with maturity.
Somehow you still got attracted.
Tell me now that you love me...

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Happiness arrives in the form of my angel

After my long and painful wait for liberation and the ultimate happiness,
my reward is finally here!
In the form of a fallen angel, the man of my dreams is now officially in my life.
Day after day since the moment, he has been on my mind.
He is the only comfort to all my troubles, pains and stress.
He is the reason for my tomorrows, the cause of my being.
He breathes life into my jaded soul and brings joy to me.
He is... Nash. My one and only angel. The man I believe is my perfect match.
Everyone wish me happiness!

Friday, October 15, 2004


We are all perfect in our imperfection,
Just the way we are.
Do not expect yourself to be able to excel in everything.
No one can.
We are all but human.
Be proud of what you can do,
And always strive to do your best.
One day, we will find the friend and partner
Who will find us perfect just as we are.
Until that day arrives,
We have to learn to be content with ourselves.
Our appearance, abilities and all.
Being pleased with ourselves for a good job well done.
Be contented.
Contentment is the one thing that will make us happy.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Movie review : Old Boy

“Old Boy” – Korean, with English subtitles. R (21)

Story Sypnosis:
On Dae-Su was kidnapped on the day of his daughter’s birthday. For 15 years, he was imprisoned in a room where television was his only form of entertainment. One day he is released and, bearing hatred and curiosity, starts on a search for his mysterious enemy. He is aided by a beautiful young woman, Mido, who turns out to be someone closely connected to him.

A rare offering from the Korean movie industry. Definitely a cut above the rest of the shows that made it to local screens. The story can be quite slow, as in all Korean dramas, but the suspense keeps the attention and unfolds at a steady rate. An action thriller with scenes of humour injected, especially when the male lead shows off the knowledge that he had gained from watching television programmes. Certain scenes could prove to be too bloody for the weak at heart. A very smart and intricately thought out plot which slowly reveals its secrets. Only glitch was in a scene, set in the 1970s, where one of the characters was reading a autobiography on Sylvia Plath which had Gywneth Paltrow on the cover. However, given the fact that it is a Korean film where most of the targeted audience would not have much insight into English literature, it is a forgivable mistake. Overall, this is a must watch for the season.

For my angel...

So many times I have said “I love you”,
How I wish you would return it too.
Even though you have yet done that,
Let nature take its own course.
Little by little each day,
You will learn to love me more.

Lest you make the wrong decision,
Often you think,
Verifying the reasons why you should be mine.
Each time we meet,
Smiles and laughter we share.

No doubt I want your answer prompt,
Angst is something perpetually felt.
Slowly we’ll take things,
Heaven will reward my patience with your love.

Why Do I Love You?

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you
FOr ignoring the possibilities
Of the fool in me
And for laying firm hold
Of the possibilities for good.

Why do I love you?

I love you
For closing your eyes
To the discords --
And for adding to the music in me
By worshipful listening.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
And out of the words
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a word,
Without a touch,
Without a sign.
You have done it
Just by being yourself.

After all
Perhaps that is what
Love means.

by Roy Croft, which I dedicate to my one and only angel...


For all those who have been following my blog, I apologise for not posting up entries recently. My health has been failing me and I've been pretty caught up with school. Not to mention that I'd much rather spend my extra time with my darling angel... =p

My only internet access is at home and recently at Coffee Bean, where I can access FREE wireless internet with the help of my Starhub mobile line. My brain juices are usually dried up by the time I'm done with school, so I don't have any more inspirations with regards to writing poems. Thus my entries these days are more about my life. Plenty of other things happening in my daily life are better left private. You never know who may be reading it.

With that said and done, I shall forcibly push my brains to cough up a short poem... Enjoy!

Sunday, October 10, 2004


There are many memories in every person's life. Happy and sad. Most of the time, there are places and objects which are interlinked to such memories. No doubt we cannot remove the venue in question, but we definitely can try to avoid the place should it rake up some unhappy events from the past.

I spent a couple of hours clearing up my room yesterday, and I must admit that I finally gathered up enough courage to throw away some items which held on to some important memories. I does hurt a little to shove them into the rubbish chute, but when they gotta go, they gotta go. From now on, only memories of my angel shall remain. Even if one day we are parted, my tattoo will help me relinquish the happy moments that we had spent together.

Sweetie, I love you!
Thank you for giving me the courage to face life and spending so much time with me. Try not to bother yourself too much with the "inbox". There is no deadline. Just do whatever else it is that you are supposed to do and whatever should happen between the two of us will happen in due time. Let nature take its own course...

Saturday, October 09, 2004

The hints...

For all those who have been closely monitoring the entries in my blog for the sheer purpose of finding out the status of my relationship with my angel... I would drop a hint and say that things are looking good. My angel had just dropped my a couple of pretty strong hints regarding our relationship. Here's how the account goes.

My mIRC gang and I went out clubbing earlier tonight. Well, bearing in mind that it is past midnight now, it was last night. We went to Madam Wong first, where I had arranged earlier to meet up with an female ex-colleague. The guys went off to Angel Reborn for cheap drinks while I was dancing with my ex-colleague. They came back about an hour later to dance, before moving off again. When I asked one of my friends where they were heading, he played a joke on me by saying they were going back to Angel to drink. After a couple of stunned moments, I decided to tag along for drinks too.

When I got out of the club, I met a friend whom I met at Siam Supper Club months ago. He was someone was showed interest in me back then before I disappeared. I did vanish from the clubbing scene for some time after my mum passed away. We started chatting and he mentioned that he did think of me. I was flattered to know that someone in this world missed me. I called up my gang and they were sitting outside Madam Wong smoking. I asked them all to go back to Angel cos I wanted to get myself high. Sadly, I was made to foot the entry for everyone... Me and my big mouth. Thought it was pretty alright for me to buy my "old flame" a drink or two cos he did use to buy me a lot of drinks back in Siam. Then the good part came.

My angel got up to me when I was dancing on the podium and said he was "claiming his turf". *shock* Apparently he sensed (or saw) that my "friend" had something for me. This guy did sneak a kiss or two on my cheek while I wasn't looking. Well, he did a big part for me tonight. At least now I know how my angel really feels about me. I AM HIS!! I've got his name tattooed on me already. How far can I run? My angel then proceeded to kiss me on the podium. Mind you, it's frenching. *wow* For that brief moment, I really did think that he loves me and was claiming me as his own. Not that I mind anyway. Kekeke... =p

The above account has just re-established the reason why I should continuing pursuing this relationship. He does love and care for me. However, I must remind myself not to push too hard. No one likes being stressed into making decisions. Brains don't function well under pressure. Meanwhile, I shall just enjoy the attention that I'm getting. I just really really hope that he didn't say all that just because he was high from alcohol. Most of the time people speak the truth when they are high/drunk. I really want that to be the truth. If it is not, I will be abso-fucking-lutely shattered... Wish me luck!

P.S. I expect quite a number of emails and comments coming in for this particular entry. All the "kaypo" friends will definitely start calling me up to ask for more details. Don't worry. This is my happiness involved. I am more anxious than anyone else. Any updates will definitely be posted here.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Time is a luxury

Time is a luxury some people may not have.
Do not waste the ticking seconds bearing grudges.
Do not mope over something that you could have done better but did not.
Think before you make any moves.
But do not take too long, because time is a wasting.
Try not to have any regrets in life.
No one forces anyone else to make the decisions that they do.
YOU are the one with that power.
Use this power wisely.
What you think may be something that only concerns you,
May end up involving others too.
If in doubt, never feel ashamed to ask for advice.
Friends should not look down on you if you seek help.
If they do, then they are not true.
Live everyday as if it's the last.
In the event that any unforseen tragedy happens,
there would be no regrets.
So with that said and understood,
go do all that you have always wanted to do.
Work towards all your goals.
If you do not have any at the moment,
it is never too late to start now.
Time. Treasure it.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

[ in reply to huei ]

Dear huei,

Thank you for your concern. I knew you were a good friend. I'm not actually intending for an audience for my blog, just that it would be good if people were to read those entries regarding "Life" and to learn some valuable lessons from it instead of having to actually going through the hardships themselves. As for that tattoo, make sure you really really like the design that you have a mind. It's good too if your design is unique. So far, all my three tattoos are very unique. Haven't seen anyone else with it before, and hope I never will! =p

Regarding my school life, yeah, plenty of people there can't even speak properly, let alone write. I have confidence in my writing ability and am just waiting for project time so I can see how good I am. Meanwhile I'm just waiting to see what kind of fucking nonsense is going to come out from the brains of these delinquent juveniles. Everyday is like a bloody fashion show for the girls and everyday the guys are doing "Babe Watch". Most of the time the class is too noisy to even hear what the lecturers are saying. God knows why these Bengs and Lians are wasting their parents' money here if not to learn.

You interested to know about my angel? Well, he has a killer smile, a goldfish memory, a super bod and a beautiful mind. Truly a guy with brains and brawn. One of the rare species available locally. If we ever get the chance, I'll show him to you. Meanwhile, his picture shall be the wallpaper for my laptop, desktop and mobile phone. This is truly infatuation! Kekeke...

[ in reply to cRaNbErI again ]

Sorry, but the answer is not out from my angel yet. He takes time to make a decision. Especially when it's concerning something as serious as a relationship. I definitely would not want to hurry him to the point that he makes a wrong choice. Of course I believe that being with me WOULD be a VERY wise choice indeed, as I will definitely love him with all my heart and make him happy. However, the decision is his to make. I can only wait patiently until the answer comes to me. Don't worry, my dear "sis", rest assured that you will be one of the first few to know about his decision once it's been made. Meanwhile, I shall just wait and see how many continuous days we can go out for. We've been seeing each other everyday since the 22nd of September... and I'm still counting.... =p

The Stray

Eyes like sapphires,
Peering over the food-laden table.
Ears pricked high,
Anticipating the descend of some neglected crumbs.
Front paws straight out,
Statuesque and looking prim.
Slowly she paces round the area.
Lunchtime is over.
Now the cat can have her meal.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

My new toys!!

On Monday, 4th of October, I officially embarked on my new direction in life.

It was the first day of school for me at MDIS. Finally, after many long years of waiting, I am able to pursue the studies of my dreams. Mass Communications. Although I am just taking the diploma course now, I hope to be able to take a degree in due time. That is, IF my diploma does not allow me to obtain a career in my desired field of interest.

I bought my laptop on this day too. My very first laptop! An iBook G4 12". A bit of a retard when it came to using the Mac OS X because all this while I have been using Windows XP on my PC. Fortunately my angel is quite an expert at using the Mac, so I've got a free mentor!

I got myself a new ink done! On my right hip now shows the chinese character "ren"
(仁). Some sort similar with the chinese character tattoo that Britney Spears has on her. It's done in honour of my angel. It's one of the characters from his Chinese name. So far he has seen it more than a few times, but yet no comments on it. Don't think I will ever get any comments from him regarding this matter, but what I do know is that he seems pretty pleased that I went throught that torture for him. Honestly, out of all my three tattoos that I have, this one is the most painful. The inking process was less than 30 minutes, but it hurts hell more than the 3 and a half hours tattoo on my back. The things we do for love. Unfanthomable!

Monday, October 04, 2004


Sunday, October 03, 2004

Great Sunday!

It's been some time since I've had a happy day out. Last one I could remember was waaay before my mother passed away. Today, fortunately, was such a happy day.

I received my first gift from my angel. A pair of headphones. I've been wanting headphones for some time but just never ever knew which model to get... He was sweet enough to go to Sim Lim at noon at start scouting for them and then presented them to me during lunch. At the moment I was just too shocked at this surprise gift that I could only look down at my meal and grin at his move. First time in a very long while that I was that surprised and embarrassed. Don't ask me why I was embarrassed. I just was. =p

Right now I am waiting for my angel's response to my proposition of being a couple. Butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Haven't had that for centuries. My angel brings out all the emotions that I thought I had lost a long time ago. He is one very very special man to me. I never had stage fright or per-exam jitters, so the butterflies in tummy feeling is something unfamiliar to me.

Might do in another entry in a while with regards to my angel's response. It's make it or break it night. Let's cross my fingers and pray hard that it's "make it"...

[ In reply to crAnbErI's comments ]

Dear crAnbErI,
Good suggestion for me to get a tagboard, but the problem is that I do not have any fanbase at all for my pathetic blog. Therefore defeated any purpose of getting one. In fact, you are the first person to leave me any comments at all. In any case, I am a COMPLETE I.T. idiot and getting a tagboard requires me to sign up for certain unnecessary subscriptions. So all in all, I don't see any point in getting one. Thank you for dropping me a comment though. At least now I know there IS someone reading my blog. Eventhough I can't guess who you are at all... =p Thank you anyways!

My reason for starting a blog...

We always have reasons for doing certain tasks. My reason for republishing a blog was for a man. A Greek God with a goldfish memory and an angelic smile that always brightened up my lousiest of days...

In order to divert my attention away from the man whom I love so dearly, I started again on my long abandoned blog. Hardly did that provide any help, as this was my way of letting him know what was going through my mind every day. I was overjoyed to find out that he was actually going through my blogs daily. Being such a busy man with hardly enough sleep, he still took time out to go through such an insignificant project of mine. From that I knew that I DID mean something to him.

At this particularly down period of my life, God was kind enough to let me meet such a wonderful man. Thank you, God. I am appreciative of everything that I have received from this special angel of mine. The lesson that I'm supposed to learn here is that everything happens for a reason. My angel was here to let me know that good men do exist and that I AM capable of loving. Love is not about possession. I was lucky enough to have spent a whole week's evenings with him. This has been the happiest time in my life since my mother passed away in April.

Yes. It does hurt to let go of something you've been searching for so long. Yet, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved before. My only regret is that my angel has never mention that he likes me. Let alone say the most romantic three words. Darling, I do know how much you care for me, but even you prefer to hear it straight from me. Ever wondered how important those few words would mean to me if you had said it? But nevertheless, I will always treasure those happy moments we had shared.

Please do know that I WILL wait for you. I may not be in close contact with you from now on, but you know I'll always be there if you need me. I still do want an answer from you. No hints. No clues. Just the answer straight. I'm someone who is direct. So are you. Life is short. Let's not waste anymore time beating round the bush. Meanwhile, I'll be waiting... I love you!