midnight in monotony

Hubs is asleep. I have no idea why I have been keeping such late hours recently. Could it be that my time clock is all screwed yet again?

It is such a spoilsport when one moment you're feeling loved-and-loving to Eagles' "Love Will Keep Us Alive" and the next moment, iTunes shuffle decides to play Brooke Valentine's "Girlfight".

While I'm replaying the lovely song for the umpteenth time, let me share it with you. (HINT: Just click on the song name to download.) I'm just can't be bothered to rig it up into my template at the rate I'm "feeling" different songs every few hours.

Suddenly, for tonight, I don't feel like randomly browsing the internet.

I just want to sip my alcohol and inhale my nicotine. Not such a glam sight, I agree, but nonetheless, that's all the mood I have for today.

How can one feel so loved, yet so lonely, all at the same time?

Times like these just make me wonder what human emotions are capable of. How can we feel such contradicting intense repercussions simultaneously? Are we not made to feel one way at a time? Why are we made so complex?

Notice I used the word "repercussions". I was enjoying my music from old days, and the smells and sights resurfaced as if it was the moment itself. Hubs is right. I am a smells person. Should I turn blind one day, I think my general sense will come from smell instead of sound. Kind of strange if you think about it.

I have been attacked mercilessly by mosquitoes since I've been sitting on the balcony for the past 3 hours, and still I keep telling myself, after this cigarette, after this cigarette, I will return to the room. What is wrong with me? Why do I not feel like doing anything except to reminisce past memories?

Maybe it is because everything is going so well these days, it's almost unbelievable. I feel like it is all a dream, and naturally, I don't want to wake up from it. In a way, it is comforting to return to days of struggles, as it is all so familiar. It may not be the most comforting place on earth, but it is homeground and it doesn't make me feel out of place.

I should have Hubs slap me in the face. The tugs on my tragus earlier on didn't hurt enough to wake me up from this fantasy. It was lovely for him to help me put on the BCR though. =) I like it so much. Thank you, Hubs.

I almost want to cry. Simply because life finally feels complete.

It's not as if we don't have any worries at all. We still have relationship and financial issues to iron out. I still don't have a job, and I haven't even paid for my diploma re-moduling fees. But all that just seems negligible knowing that we have each other along the way. My Hubs, my family, US.

My mum should be part of this. She should be here to see this. Me, just being contented. I think she would be so pleased that I have finally relaxed the rules on myself. She would probably agree that life is good, and it would only get better. And maybe, like what Hubs always says, she is watching from above.

Issues we will always have. Even with a billion bucks in the bank, we'll have them. But what we have now, no amount of money can ever bring. LOVE, HAPPINESS and SUPPORT.

I am such a piece of soppy shit today.