the final moments before BIG DAY
It is true that I did not pay much attention to this traditional tea ceremony and I really don't give a rat's ass about it because deep down inside, I'm not really Chinese.
But now the moments draw closer and the nervous stirring in the depths of my stomach are making me panicky. It is an official marriage custom after all.
The gown's hanging by my wardrobe, alongside my bridesmaid's. Somehow now, that beautiful gown doesn't seem that beautiful anymore. I tried it on again about 2 hours ago and the only words ringing in my head are "You're fat".
Hubs says it's normal because my body has yet to fully re-adjust itself back to my pre-pregnancy days, but even a million logical reasons won't help at all. A bride is meant to be beautiful on her wedding day. Even though this is my second wedding day.
When I caught a glimpse of my bridesmaid's gown, I felt displeased. It is white. Yet mine is off-white. I felt pissed. Maybe because I know that this wedding has not been planned to my standards due to the rush caused by the impending arrival of the baby. And now that there's no more baby, I feel short-changed in a way, because things could have been shitloads better.
I feel a sense of pity for myself.
Things could have been done so much better and much more proper than it is now.
Life has never been kind to me.
I just hope it doesn't get worse.
The few valued guests for my tea ceremony have all seemingly ganged up against me.
In the evening, Grace aka huei called saying that she's down ill and won't be my bridesmaid, but she'll turn up at my place in the afternoon for my ceremony. That was just for starters.
At 3.32am, Marco sms-ed saying that he cannot make it. My inquisitive reply to him was not answered. Felt utterly upset by it because he promised to make it weeks before.
At 3.44am, it was Jeza saying the same thing. As usual, no reason why.
Fuck. I could jolly well have all my guests not turning up.
Obviously my once-in-a-lifetime affair just ain't important enough.
So much so that I'm not even being let in to know why you're not turning up.
Even if it's just for courtesy's sake, just make up a tale about how your grandpa is celebrating his 80th birthday or something. But no. "I shall not tell the poor suffering bride as to why I shan't grant her my presence."
Fine. I should have learnt long ago that Life just doesn't like me.
I just don't know why I haven't learnt to take it easy, relax and simply not care.
Maybe I do.
This is just a one-off thing because, for fuck's sake, I AM GETTING MARRIED!
I wonder how my marriage will be a happy one when the people I know aren't really interested to give us their blessings. If ever my marriage should fail, I think I'll have something other than Life to blame.
Whatever.
GGYY, thanks for initiating contact. The long chat was long overdue and really uplifting.
Fir and Sam, please DO turn up and not fail me. I really cannot take anymore setbacks no more.
Wanzhen aka Kristy, please do bear with me just for today and try not to say anything that would upset me. I know it ain't easy, given the fact that you've pretty much gotten used to saying all that's on your mind with me. Just for today, take it as I'm any other petty bitch that takes offence to words. Thank you.
I feel so utterly vulnerable to the elements of the world. People, pity me. Even if it's just for today.
But now the moments draw closer and the nervous stirring in the depths of my stomach are making me panicky. It is an official marriage custom after all.
The gown's hanging by my wardrobe, alongside my bridesmaid's. Somehow now, that beautiful gown doesn't seem that beautiful anymore. I tried it on again about 2 hours ago and the only words ringing in my head are "You're fat".
Hubs says it's normal because my body has yet to fully re-adjust itself back to my pre-pregnancy days, but even a million logical reasons won't help at all. A bride is meant to be beautiful on her wedding day. Even though this is my second wedding day.
When I caught a glimpse of my bridesmaid's gown, I felt displeased. It is white. Yet mine is off-white. I felt pissed. Maybe because I know that this wedding has not been planned to my standards due to the rush caused by the impending arrival of the baby. And now that there's no more baby, I feel short-changed in a way, because things could have been shitloads better.
I feel a sense of pity for myself.
Things could have been done so much better and much more proper than it is now.
Life has never been kind to me.
I just hope it doesn't get worse.
--- --- ---
The few valued guests for my tea ceremony have all seemingly ganged up against me.
In the evening, Grace aka huei called saying that she's down ill and won't be my bridesmaid, but she'll turn up at my place in the afternoon for my ceremony. That was just for starters.
At 3.32am, Marco sms-ed saying that he cannot make it. My inquisitive reply to him was not answered. Felt utterly upset by it because he promised to make it weeks before.
At 3.44am, it was Jeza saying the same thing. As usual, no reason why.
Fuck. I could jolly well have all my guests not turning up.
Obviously my once-in-a-lifetime affair just ain't important enough.
So much so that I'm not even being let in to know why you're not turning up.
Even if it's just for courtesy's sake, just make up a tale about how your grandpa is celebrating his 80th birthday or something. But no. "I shall not tell the poor suffering bride as to why I shan't grant her my presence."
Fine. I should have learnt long ago that Life just doesn't like me.
I just don't know why I haven't learnt to take it easy, relax and simply not care.
Maybe I do.
This is just a one-off thing because, for fuck's sake, I AM GETTING MARRIED!
I wonder how my marriage will be a happy one when the people I know aren't really interested to give us their blessings. If ever my marriage should fail, I think I'll have something other than Life to blame.
No encouragement/blessings/support = No happiness/true friends/luck
Whatever.
--- --- ---
GGYY, thanks for initiating contact. The long chat was long overdue and really uplifting.
Fir and Sam, please DO turn up and not fail me. I really cannot take anymore setbacks no more.
Wanzhen aka Kristy, please do bear with me just for today and try not to say anything that would upset me. I know it ain't easy, given the fact that you've pretty much gotten used to saying all that's on your mind with me. Just for today, take it as I'm any other petty bitch that takes offence to words. Thank you.
--- --- ---
I feel so utterly vulnerable to the elements of the world. People, pity me. Even if it's just for today.
Shelly breathed again at 5:02 AM
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