Once every few weeks, I am hit by the irresistable urge to create. In particular, to write. There are many things which I would love to share. Yet at the same time, to keep a secret. The dualistic nature of me.

The general consensus of my blog is that I am a happy girl. Perpetually and abnormally happy. All the time. How can that be possible for anyone? In particular, for me?

Those who have taken the time to really go through my blog would have found little links to another blog of mine. The other side of my life. The mental and physical struggles. The dark side.

No. I am NOT perpetually happy. Just because I find it hard to cry doesn't mean that I am always happy.

Today, something sparked off my insanity. The 9pm local drama serial on Channel 8 mentioned some character committing suicide by jumping off the balcony.

My mum.

That short scene only reminded me of my mum. Halfway through dinner in front of the telly, I felt like crying. I feel guilt for not being able to cry throughout my mum's wake. Until the last day when she was being cremated. My heart broke. It shattered.

I was told that I was in shock as my mum had passed away suddenly. During the 4 days from when she was pronounced dead and til she was cremated, I only smoked and drank. I didn't touch solid foods at all. To an extent that I lost 6kg during that one week. Somehow I still think that my gastric condition was worsened by that.

For all my classmates who are reading this, there is a reason why I don't appear often in class. I have stomach cancer. Out of the whole class, only May knows about this. Somehow I just feel like blurting this out today. Only for today.

For close to 2 months, only Nash knew about it. Then it was his parents. And then my dad. My 11-year-old brother only knows that my health "sucks". Like how he would say it. Friends wise: May was informed somewhere in November. Both my ex boyfriends only knew around Christmas time. Others are still in the dark. And now they shall know.

I do not want to be labelled as a handicap. I don't want people to always ask me how am I feeling today. I can still walk, talk, dance, drink, eat, and whatever else that you guys can do. My stipulated reply to anyone who asks me "How are you" is always "Still alive". They never understood why I always say that. But given my sarcastic character, I guess they never dwelled long into it.

Now, read and remember. Because this post will not be here forever. 48 hours later, it will be deleted. And the secret shall sink down to the bottom of the ocean again...