maturity (as in "state") n. : state of being mature; full development

Maturity is what we have after going through life experiences.
For some, like me,
These experiences, supposedly due to happen further down in my adulthood,
Somehow formed an alliance and all showed themselves in my late teens.

Perhaps it was all these unfortunate events which have made me who I am,
But way before I faced these,
I already sensed that I was different.
I was not infatuated with the things my peers were interested in.
I was not overtly into grades, looks and relationships.
Then what kind of child was I?

Rebellious? Maybe.
Confused? Definitely.
Misunderstood? All the time.

I do not know when or how I got myself into the depths of depression.
I just remember waking up one day when I was about 14,
Wanting to kill myself.
Wanting to end all life.
And together with it, all misery.

Throughout my childhood years,
I was the smart , wise and matured one among those of my age.
How and why I do not know.
Was it because I was always at home alone?
With no one to care for me except myself?
Was it my thirst for knowledge that made me wise?
I only knew I was different.

I never cliqued with anyone.
No one ever wanted me in their group.
I was lonely, left out, pathetic.
Was it my knowledge seeking that branded me as queer?
Or was it the unwelcoming manner that I was shown,
That eventually led me to read and read and read?

Words were my form of escapism.
I would write and read.
All the time.
It made me feel powerful to be able to create.
Yet I was still all alone.

If all that had never happened,
Would I be just like any other 21 year old now?
Would I still be commented as "very matured"?
Would I be happier?
Would I stop having thoughts of death?
All the possibilities in the world.
With no answers whatsoever.

I am me.
Excessively matured,
Depressive,
Careful.
This IS me.

So, love me.
For me.