I didn't think I would

I heard a song
a tune from the past
melodies soothing
night quiet
heart beating in an off-beat way

the air changed
it smelt like you
like the balcony
where we would sit and stargaze
stale cigarettes in flowerpots
cheap girly alcohol sips in bottles

there is an ease
a calmness
that sweeps over me
from head to toe

I feel safe
like before
and like
never before

why why why

how you can leave
such an impact on me
is sheer surprise

a year and half
away from each other
never did take away
the essence of you from me

the words you would say
the quirkyness of you
the awkward man-boy
I shared 6 years with

I refuse to let
this reminisce
stop

why why why

can't I take
all of this out
from me?

like a tumour
like a zit
like,
like,
a baby?

scrap
cut
push
laser
peel
remove
forget
kill

I always wished
hoped
that one day
you would read
something similar to this
that I write
with you in mind
with you in heart
with you in my fondest memories

we were both naive before
innocent as can be
with love on our minds
but mine being more selfish
than yours was selfless

now we have both
moved on

I am someone else's wife
someone you think
suits me perfect
whom I love with all my heart
and show more love
than there ever was
with you

you are someone else's boyfriend
marriage probably on the cards
soon
but I wouldn't know
because we don't talk

we don't talk no more

I can choose to hate you
or even to hate your girl
for building the barriers
between our friendship of many years
breaking the bonds
disrupting the honest communication

but I can't bring myself
to hate anyone
but myself

maybe today
just for today
I will allow myself
to miss you again

to play the songs
one after another
end on end
to remind me of you
and dig on the wound
of my sheer stupidity and selfishness

because I just feel like it

a trail of tears
for you
my dear
no more